As a young girl I remember being very well spoken, having an outgoing personality, being fearless, always wanting to try new things! You could not tell me No! I’ve always loved music, been a picky eater and my favorite color has been green since I was eight years old. I was a tomboy who loved climbing fences, trees and playing outside, I hated bugs but loved camping and fishing! I loved reading and my imagination took me to faraway places and I had vivid colorful dreams at an early age. I was always happy and, I am a True only child (We’ll talk about that more later)! I actually had a wonderful childhood, I was a child, free to be me and I loved it!
In my twenties, I had my first child was married at twenty-five and by the time I was twenty- nine I was a full-time stay at home mom with three kids. While in my twenties I earned my dream internship, landed my dream job, left there and started an event planning business where I planned festivals for over 5,000 people, just by asking the question if I could help! If I wanted to do something I did it just because I wanted to try it, somethings worked and others failed but I had at least tried!
I married the man of my dreams from high school had a beautiful wedding and three successful childbirths which were also life changing. But my twenties happened on turbo speed because I went from a young carefree individual to a completely responsible adult and it felt like overnight! In my twenties I experienced a whirlwind of changes but I wasn’t mentally or emotionally prepared to handle all of those changes so I found ways to just go through life. In managing I focused all of my time and energy on everyone and everything around me, and guess what my life was good! I wasn’t miserable or unhappy, I was happy it seemed. But inside I was changing and it would eventually be reflected on the outside but I wasn’t acknowledging it.
By the time my thirties rolled around, I was not my best at all! I cried a lot, weighed a lot, and felt more and more like I was missing a lot! I had not read a book in years and I wasn’t who or where I wanted to be and I wasn’t dreaming anymore and didn’t plan or have many goals like I had in the past. I used to say to myself that this is just the way it is, everything will be fine. And guess what it would have been and it was until I told myself otherwise. I smiled my way through a lot and it felt fine at some moments but didn’t feel great all the time. I began to cherish moments more, time spent with family and friends brought me such joy because in these moments I didn’t have to focus on myself.
I first went to counseling in my thirties and this is where I began to learn to look at me. I had my first panic attack in my thirties and I knew this was not how I should feel. Through counseling I was introduced to meditation and breathing techniques. I also learned about Yoga! For the first time in a while I was beginning to focus on me and then at thirty-five I found myself pregnant again! I must admit I absolutely love being pregnant, the entire experience is such a miraculous occurrence. But I give my complete focus to my little one and none on myself. So I continued my cover up life not dealing with me and all was well.
At thirty-nine I began to change. I started to notice me and somethings in my life. I began to dream in color again! I began to desire things for myself again. And hence this journey began!